Difference between revisions of "Archive:SoulStorm Brew - I, Aslik"
Latest revision as of 11:46, 1 August 2019
- Published: 1998
- Host: Oddworld.com
- Format: Published Online
‘As the Vice-President of the omnipotent SoulStorm Brewery, VP Aslik is at the height of his career. Brew Production is at an all time high and the profit margin just seems to get bigger with each passing quarter. He is besieged everyday with letters from Glukkons all over Oddworld asking the same question: ‘What’s your secret?’ Rather than answering these letters for free, VP Aslik decided to demonstrate just how business savvy he is by authoring a book and CHARGING for the answer.’
‘Ya know, it ain’t easy makin’ the most cherished drink in all a’ Oddworld, but it’s really all about love of the product for me. I still rememba’ with almost uncanny detail how I knew THIS is what I needed to do wit’ my life. I was a yut’—can’t remember how old I was—and some guy and I were watching this group a’ Mudokons drinking bottle after bottle of da Brew. Now, I think this guy was somehow related to me, but I’m not sure…anyways, we were sitting there watching these crazy Mudokons and the guy, he sez “As,” he sez, “there’s a way to put this to work for us. Watch.”’
‘Wit dat, he went over to the group of gangly green ’tings—and stood with arms crossed in front of the SoulStorm Brew dispenser! I’m not really sure how the whole ’ting ended, but all I know is that I heard ’im yell “All a ya!” and “Work” and before you know it—Boom! All ah’ those Mudokons are doing the work this guy and I were s’posed to be doin’! I asked ’im how he did it and he said, “It’s all about the Brew, bonehead. Didn’t you hear a word I just said to them?” I didn’t, but it didn’t matter. I just knew that ’dat Brew did good stuff. I fell in love that day. But I still can’t remember who ’dat guy was.’
Chapter 1: Management Theory
‘Durin’ my formative years, I learned two different theories of slav—er, employee management: The Violence theory and the Addiction theory. I thought to myself “Hey, why not mix dese two things into one theory?” I already saw what the addiction was able to do when I was wit dat guy and those Mudokons as a kid. Just imagine what could be done if you could back ’dat addiction up wit’ violence! Talk about a productivity boost! And that’s when I started work in SoulStorm Brewery…’
Chapter 3: Leisure Time
‘If my time in ’da business world has taught me anything, it’s that you need to play just as hard as you work. If you don’t, you’ll burn out quicker than a Mudokon in a tear extractor (wink wink, nudge nudge, knowwhatI’msayin’). All joking aside, playin’ is serious business…it allows you ta’ burn off the steam you collect during a day at ’da office. Personally, I’m a big fan of indoor, arena‐style Mudokon tossing; it’s so much more violent than that outdoor stuff! I’ve also been known ta’ give one a’ my Slig middle managers a 5 minute head start in one of the forests of Mudos and then chase after ’im wit’ an electrical shock device…’
These tips for better, more successful living and so much more are waiting for you! Do you wanna be successful? I thought so! So what are you waitin’ for? Just get out there and do it! All a’ ya’!