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7 Foolproof Ways to Keep Your Job

Life can be a fleeting thing. It can end without a moment’s notice and before you know it, all you have left behind is a stain on the floor. And walls. And ceiling.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Follow these 7 fool-proof tips to keeping your job* and you’ll find that your life has a lot more meaning.

1. Learn the Ropes. And by “ropes” we mean “various messes left behind by your less-productive colleagues.” It may sound simple but you’ll need to adapt to the plethora of bodily fluids and organic matter that many lifeforms secrete during torture, experimentation, industrial mishaps and/or execution. Blood, for example, requires a completely different chemical and cleaning motion to, say, brain matter. If you know what you’re facing, you’ll know how to tackle the problem.

2. Know Your Place. As a lowly Mudokon at the bottom of the career ladder, you will encounter many different beings during your tenure at our wonderful facilities.. Pretty much all of these will be your superiors. You must not ask questions, you must not wonder why things happen, you must not doubt your orders. Everything you do, your entire existence, is to help with the smooth-running of your assigned facility. The sooner you come to terms with this, the sooner you’ll not die.

3. Renounce Free Thought. As a member of the team, there will be no place for free or independent thinking and/or uniqueness. You are there to blend in. Mudokons shouldn’t be heard and/or seen. If, for any reason, you suddenly find yourself at the center of your superiors’ attentions, then mistakes have been made and you will be held accountable.

4. Ignore Your Colleagues. We aren’t running a social club here so keep yourself to yourself. Interacting with your fellow Mudokons is strictly forbidden and no good will come of you thinking otherwise. This includes talking, laughing, whistling, singing, chanting, breaking wind and/or warning your colleagues. Doing so will not only cause discomfort for you, but it will also cause those with whom you engage discomfort.

5. Increase Your Stamina. You may notice that those around you have a similar look about them: pale, wiry and dishevelled. This is proven to be the optimal performance state. Those who have yet to reach this preferred body type have either succumbed to the pressures of work or are on a strict diet that will help them to reach this optimal working condition. We realise you can’t change overnight, which is why we give you two nights to change your entire physical presence.

6. Respect Our Authority. We are aware of the rumours that have been illegally spread about us. Glukkons have been called “unfair,” “unreasonable,” and “unrelenting.” In fact, the only thing that is unfair, unreasonable and unrelenting are the rumours themselves. You’ll do well to remember this. Any employee found spreading, listening to and/or accommodating such rumours will be dealt with in a swift and just manner.

7. Show Some Appreciation. We don’t ask for much during your employment. However, the opportunity you have been afforded is not an insignificant one, so be sure to show some appreciation from time-to-time. This could be in the form of a simple bow when in the presence of your superiors. It could be in the form of working even harder. It could even be in the form of volunteering yourself to take part in trials for new products. It’s always nice to have a choice. 7 simple steps, one goal: Retain your employment, elongate your existence and finally be a part of something amazing.

*and life.

Enormous Paramite Provides Pounds of Prime Meat

Stock prices soared today after the capture of the largest ever recorded Paramite.

Nick-named ‘Para-Mighty’ by its captors, it weighs in at a hefty 41 lbs and it has already been earmarked for a limited edition Paramite Pie that investors are confident will sell like, well, Paramite Pies.

It wasn’t an easy capture, however, with a larger-than-normal hunting party required. It is said to have been distracted by a large chunk of Mudokon meat, but, when it realised it was being cornered, showed its fearsome and infamous aggressive nature. The hunting party, some of whom were injured in the tussle, finally subdued the monster after the 2 hour struggle had worn it down.

But what does 41 lbs actually look like? We have created this fun equivalency chart for your amusement:

  • Just over 4 x Mudokon heads
  • 2 x Mudokon legs
  • 41 x bags of bone powder
  • 82 x regular Paramite Pies
  • 164,000 bees
  • 5 gallons of SoulStorm Brew

That’s a lot of meat! Keep your eyes peeled for the very exclusive Para-Mighty Pie, coming soon!

The Daily Grind Gets Even More Efficient

The installation of all-new meat grinders has begun in earnest today with a total replacement across all facilities expected to be completed by next week.

The new machinery has been designed and built by the finest engineers and features some seriously impressive technology. As a result, it is estimated that the new grinders will have a lifespan of up to 4x that of the current models, drastically reducing running costs.

Investors were dubious to begin with, with the burning question being: Will the new grinders, which cost more to build, justify the initial expenditure?

It is a question that has been answered emphatically with the first roll out of grinders.

Not only are they quieter, faster and more intimidating to look at, but they also grind meat more efficiently. The unfathomably sharp blades, of which there are 4, rotate and twist in a pattern that ensures each piece of meat that passes through their danger zone is ground finer and more cleanly. The implications of which are that meat can now be more accurately measured, therefore be used to create more end product with little-to-no waste.

Another expected bonus of the new grinders is that they will be powerful enough to dice even the toughest gristle and bone. Once again resulting in more meat and much less waste.

Don’t get too close, however, as their spinning jaws of severance do not discriminate between product and employee.

Slig Breaks Speed Record, Thanks Flammability.

The Oddworld record for fastest Slig was smashed this week, following an unintentional attempt by one particular member of our elite security force.

An innocent mishap with a bottle of SoulStorm Brew and a naked flame resulted in one Slig becoming hot under the collar, with its mad dash to cool off recorded by CCTV.

The footage, which is unavailable due to security reasons, reportedly captured the Slig in question travelling at speeds of over 67 KM/h, breaking the previous record by over 12 KM/h.

While the speed of Sligs has always been frighteningly fast – giving their quarry no chance of escape – this current development has fascinated engineers. It is believed that if one Slig can achieve these speeds, all of them can. If this is the case, the lethality of security measures has just increased five-fold with no extra investment needed.

We can reassure you that the Slig in question came to no serious harm at the hands of the fiery brew and was presented with its record breaker certificate shortly after dousing the flames. The Slig was not available for comment.

Pick Your Scrabs

Scrab Cakes have long been a favourite among the residents of Oddworld and today sees the launch of a new, highly-exclusive ‘Pick Your Scrabs’ initiative.

Designed for the more discerning – and wealthy – customer, this new and exciting option will actually allow you to pick a Scrab, which will promptly be ground down, mangled, squashed and mushed into your very own, one-of-a-kind Scrab Cake.

Customers will either be able to browse a constantly-updated catalogue of Scrabs or, for a little extra moolah, visit the holding cells in person to choose their snack.

The exclusivity of creating a cake that no one else will get to taste is already causing a huge stir among fans, with some reports that homes and family members are being sold in order to be a part of this new initiative.

So, whatever your penchant be, you can now hand-pick your taste experience.

Like the sinewy bits the best? Come and choose the Scrab with the most muscular legs.

Prefer the crunchy textures? Select the Scrab with the longest jaw.

Can’t get enough of the crispy coating? Point and say “I’ll take that one!” at the Scrab with the thickest skin.

This truly is an exciting new era in Scrab Cakes and we can not wait to try it out and report back to you.

A Mighty Unveiling

Reporters for Oddworld Network News were treated to a special unveiling this morning of one of the latest, and greatest, security measures ever conceived and built.

A lot of the information is still under embargo, but what we can reveal is that this indestructible behemoth of justice is set to change the future forever.

Fugitives, rebels and dissidents beware: There is no escaping this beast of law and order with its many, many, many, many different types of weaponry and shielding.

Just another sign of the lengths prepared to go to to keep products, staff and employees safe.

Dopey Dissidents Die Dumbly

5 Dissident Mudokons died yesterday when their failed attempt to weaken temporary structures back-fired.

In what is believed to be an effort to compromise security and reduce the productivity of other employees, a temporary structure was tampered with, resulting in its partial collapse and killing those responsible in an apparent act of Quarma.

Thankfully, due to the build quality of all temporary structures, the damage was limited and none of the expert security forces were harmed. It definitely didn’t catch fire and it definitely didn’t destroy 8 entire floors before burning several Sligs to death.

It would appear that as the number of those opposed to Abe’s violent acts increases, the lonely few left supporting him are a few sharp teeth short of a Slog jaw.

See See Tee Vee Upgrade Rolls Out

Work on the upgraded CCTV network across all facilities has been completed this week, giving an unprecedented level of protection in the fight against terrorism, lost or stolen product and an unproductive workforce.

The new cameras, which number in their thousands, can now see every inch of their assigned facility, leaving no area uncovered. This includes the secret areas that don’t exist.

Sending back footage in a higher resolution than you will ever be able to comprehend, the new CCTV network also features state-of-the-art data encryption, meaning that no unauthorized entity can gain access to the cameras or their recordings.

The cameras have already made a huge impact in the running of certain facilities, with one particular employee running afoul of their unrelenting gaze immediately after activation. Following a simple zoom and enhance, the employee in question was witnessed cleaning the walls in an anti-clockwise fashion, directly contravening the rules laid out in the 167th amendment of the Employee Handbook.

This new security tool is yet another example of how committed site managers are to keeping their workforce protected and happy.

Mudokons Form New Anti-Terrorist Movement

A dramatic turn of events this past week has seen numerous Mudokons, once ordered to silence by the terrorist Abe, begin speaking out against their fellow employee.

Finally allowed to communicate thanks to their generous and protective employers, these Mudokons have formed an anti-Abe group calling itself M.A.A – Muds Against Abe.

Estimated to have hundreds, if not thousands of members, these Mudokons have rallied together to not only denounce the violent and ruthless actions of Abe, but also show their gratitude for the employment – and all the many benefits associated with it – they have been given.

M.A.A is already proving itself to be a vital weapon in the pursuit and capture of the rogue terrorist. By reducing the number of Abe’s allies to just a few and increasing the scale of the already-extensive intelligence network, security forces are confident that Abe’s capture is imminent.

There are also reports that this new found respect for their employment – and the luxuries it affords them – is leading to much higher rates of productivity, proving what was already known: Mudokon’s behaviour has been dramatically and negatively affected by Abe.

Witnesses are reporting many large congregations of Mudokons, which we can exclusively reveal are actually M.A.A meetings.

Due to the spurious messages being spouted by the terrorist, Mudokons have previously been forbidden to congregate and socialise for fear of further attacks being planned. Now, thanks to the founding of M.A.A, these groups are forming in order to help find and bring Abe to justice.

Authorities Close in as Fugitive Finds Nowhere to Hide

Authorities released a statement today saying that their most wanted fugitive-at-large, responsible for heinous terrorist activity, is close to being captured.

Security forces launched a highly-skilled campaign to capture Abe the Mudokon following the destruction of RuptureFarms 1029. Despite his best efforts to evade justice, Sligs are now reporting that not only do they know where he is hiding, but also that other Mudokons are turning on their disruptive comrade.

"Glukkons have given us so much.

“We don’t want anything to do with him.” said one Mudokon – who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being targeted by the fugitive.

“He is destroying our jobs and killing our people,” reported another employee, “and for what? Glukkons have given us so much to be happy about and Abe is single-handedly ruining it for everyone.”

As a result, the already extensive intelligence network is now finding itself bolstered by innocent Mudokons who wish to help turn Abe in to the law and see him answer for his crimes.

Reports that pockets of rebels are forming have since been discovered to be fictitious, probably fabricated by Abe himself in order to make his cause seem more important.

There are currently warnings in place to avoid contact with Abe at all costs. As the net closes in and his capture becomes inevitable, security forces warn that he may increase the ferocity of his violent acts in his desperate attempts to escape. All are being instructed to immediately report any sightings or contact with Abe to the relevant authorities.

Soon, those who lost their precious lives at RF 1029 – and many other atrocities – will be able to rest in peace knowing that this murderous culprit has been stopped.

New Craze Creating Mudokon Makers Everywhere

There have been increased reports this week of a new craze sweeping across parts of Oddworld.

Following the impressive take-up of an initiative to make Mudokons more resourceful, and therefore more productive, crafting has become wildly popular.

But not all is going according to plan. Some of the reports detail how Muds are resorting to rifling through trash cans, scavenging in dark corners and cracking into concealed compartments in order to gain the best items with which to create their recipes.

There is at least one report of a Mud becoming so desperate to make exciting things that they tried to pickpocket a resting Slig. We don’t have to tell you how that situation ended, suffice to say the Mud in question was dealt with swiftly, efficiently and justly.

For the most part, however, the crafting courses offered to employees have been a resounding success. No longer do they waste time seeking out superiors in order to ask for new cleaning equipment and supplies – they simply make them themselves. Not only does this increase the Mudokon’s active working time but it has also resulted in a sharp drop in running costs.

The crafting craze has also resulted in a massive boost of employee morale, which was already at a record high. Mudokons now find themselves competing with one another on who can use the most interesting recipe in their daily duties.

So far we have heard reports of many fascinating new tools:

  • Bouncing Items – Fragile items such as SoulStorm Brew bottles and rock candy are being made to bounce, resulting in no more additional mess or loss of property
  • Flammable Items – Muds no longer require heating as they have created many items that can now do the job for them
  • Pointy Items – In order to reduce theft of property by colleagues, items with an inbuilt defence mechanism are keeping employees honest

We will keep an eye on the craze and bring you news on any new developments as and when they happen.

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Crackdown Begins

Recent reports that rogue terrorists have begun transmitting new propaganda have resulted in harsh sanctions for all Mudokon workers.

Senior management regretfully made the decision this past week to limit the movement of its workforce, as well as severely reducing the contact that Mudokons can have with each other. The move follows reports that a few disruptive members of their employ have begun to transmit prohibited propaganda material. While these reports have not yet been confirmed, the stance on terrorism can be nothing short of zero tolerance to ensure no more lives are lost.

"I cannot blame my employers for the new restrictions

As a result, innocent Mudokons are once again finding themselves negatively affected by their ungrateful colleagues, most likely led by Abe.

“I cannot blame my employers for the new restrictions,” said one worker, adding, “It’s just another example of how we are made to suffer at the hands of those who can’t accept all the opportunities we have been afforded.”

Although it is extremely difficult for unauthorized content of this kind to escape the notice of the skilled intelligence officers, reports of this nature are taken very seriously.

The effects of past terrorist incidents are still being felt today and no chances can be taken when it comes to the facility’s security and the safety of all inside.

It is hoped that this issue can be resolved as quickly as possible so that those innocents caught up in the scare can return to the comfortable working conditions they are used to.