7 Foolproof Ways to Keep Your Job

Life can be a fleeting thing. It can end without a moment’s notice and before you know it, all you have left behind is a stain on the floor. And walls. And ceiling.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Follow these 7 fool-proof tips to keeping your job* and you’ll find that your life has a lot more meaning.

1. Learn the Ropes. And by “ropes” we mean “various messes left behind by your less-productive colleagues.” It may sound simple but you’ll need to adapt to the plethora of bodily fluids and organic matter that many lifeforms secrete during torture, experimentation, industrial mishaps and/or execution. Blood, for example, requires a completely different chemical and cleaning motion to, say, brain matter. If you know what you’re facing, you’ll know how to tackle the problem.

2. Know Your Place. As a lowly Mudokon at the bottom of the career ladder, you will encounter many different beings during your tenure at our wonderful facilities.. Pretty much all of these will be your superiors. You must not ask questions, you must not wonder why things happen, you must not doubt your orders. Everything you do, your entire existence, is to help with the smooth-running of your assigned facility. The sooner you come to terms with this, the sooner you’ll not die.

3. Renounce Free Thought. As a member of the team, there will be no place for free or independent thinking and/or uniqueness. You are there to blend in. Mudokons shouldn’t be heard and/or seen. If, for any reason, you suddenly find yourself at the center of your superiors’ attentions, then mistakes have been made and you will be held accountable.

4. Ignore Your Colleagues. We aren’t running a social club here so keep yourself to yourself. Interacting with your fellow Mudokons is strictly forbidden and no good will come of you thinking otherwise. This includes talking, laughing, whistling, singing, chanting, breaking wind and/or warning your colleagues. Doing so will not only cause discomfort for you, but it will also cause those with whom you engage discomfort.

5. Increase Your Stamina. You may notice that those around you have a similar look about them: pale, wiry and dishevelled. This is proven to be the optimal performance state. Those who have yet to reach this preferred body type have either succumbed to the pressures of work or are on a strict diet that will help them to reach this optimal working condition. We realise you can’t change overnight, which is why we give you two nights to change your entire physical presence.

6. Respect Our Authority. We are aware of the rumours that have been illegally spread about us. Glukkons have been called “unfair,” “unreasonable,” and “unrelenting.” In fact, the only thing that is unfair, unreasonable and unrelenting are the rumours themselves. You’ll do well to remember this. Any employee found spreading, listening to and/or accommodating such rumours will be dealt with in a swift and just manner.

7. Show Some Appreciation. We don’t ask for much during your employment. However, the opportunity you have been afforded is not an insignificant one, so be sure to show some appreciation from time-to-time. This could be in the form of a simple bow when in the presence of your superiors. It could be in the form of working even harder. It could even be in the form of volunteering yourself to take part in trials for new products. It’s always nice to have a choice. 7 simple steps, one goal: Retain your employment, elongate your existence and finally be a part of something amazing.

*and life.