Description

About

Published: 1998
Host: Oddworld.com
Format: Published Online

The Article

Carbonated Mudokon Tears
Dr. Payne says: ‘Sodium—and lets of it—is the key to a well‐rounded diet. And what better way to get this dietary requirement than from the delicious tears of the hapless Mudokons?’

Bone Fragments
Dr. Payne says: ‘A lot of people think that milk is the best thing to strengthen your bones. I say nonsense! As the old expression goes, ‘Bone begets bone’ … you need to ingest bones to strengthen your own. And, oh boy, does SoulStorm have bones!

Lots of Preservatives
Dr. Payne says: ‘The staggering number of unpronounceable preservatives in SoulStorm Brew ensures that our Brew will ALWAYS be fresh, whether you pick it up one day after it leaves the Brewery, or 1 decade. Also, the preservatives bind with your genetic material and make sure you leave a pretty corpse that doesn’t decay … ever. You’ll be forever beautiful!’

Nutition Facts
Serv Size 1 Can

Calories: 10,000
Dr. Payne says: ‘Today’s Oddworld Inhabitant—particularly the Mudokon—is a hard worker. And as we all know, you burn calories when you work; since the average Oddworldian works about twice as hard as its biology normally allows, you NEED all these calories to keep you going. No worries about getting fat … we’ll make sure you work it off!’

Total Fat: 500 g
Dr. Payne says: ‘Despite what the more ‘mainstream’ physicians like to say, fat is good for you. It powers you the same way it powers our trains. And Oddworld needs its Inhabitants to run like our most reliable locomotive … so stop yer whining about ‘clogged arteries’ and ‘heart disease.’ Fat’s good for you. Period.

Sodium: 8000000 mg
Dr. Payne says: ‘A diet high—extremely high—in sodium is essential to a well‐rounded slav—uh, worker. I said worker. Hypertension Shmypertension. Just drink it!

Protein: 0 g
Dr. Payne says: ‘I’m currently investigating several cases where people who ate stuff with protein in it spontaneously combusted. That’s right, they ate this stuff—that was supposedly ‘good’ for them—and then burst in to flames, leaving a pile of ashes in their stead. Until I can definitely prove that protein wasn’t the culprit, my official stance is that Protein is BAD for you.’

Sugars: 6000 g
Dr. Payne says: ‘In addition to aiding in the development of good teeth, Sugars work with your overall calorie intake to produce LOTS of energy. More energy equals more work. More work equals bridge. Bridge equals more money. More money equals more power. More power equals more Brew. Wait a minute … what’s money again?’

Contains 0% of RDA Vitamins
Dr. Payne says: ‘I can say without the use of hyperbole that the RDA is populated by a buncha’ quacks who wouldn’t know a good meal if it hid outside in the parking lot, waiting to give them e Coli. Also, they revoked my medical license, so they’re just straight out jerks.